Hey guys!! I know that every week I always say “I am going to start making plans for this Wednesday post thing” and then Wednesday rolls around and I have not made a plan. Welcome to my life and the life of those around me haha. But today I feel like I have a good enough excuse because IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Yay! Happy birthday to me!! Which basically means I can do whatever I want! Not to mention that June has just been an all around great freaking month for me! It is exciting and part of the reason I love summer so much!! THIS IS MY SEASON PEOPLE!!
Okay- but on a serious note I read this amazing article last night called “What It’s Like to Have “High-functioning” Anxiety” by Sarah Schuster (here is the link to the article!) and while I have never gone to a doctor and been diagnosed for anything (mostly due to the fact that I am terrified that I will find out that something is wrong with me- I know I know.) this article hit home so perfectly. So I am going to take a moment to post something not book related so maybe you know me a little better (if you want) and get insight into my brain (scary!).
For me each day is unpredictable. I don’t wake up knowing for sure how the day will go or what kind of mood I will be in. I am not a morning person even a tiny bit. Never have been never will be. EVER! Some days I wake up and there is nothing but rainbows and happiness floating around. I kiss my husband and love on him extra, hating that we don’t get to spend the day together just hanging out and being young and in love. Those days are my love days. I want to be involved with everything that is going on, I want to talk to everyone, I want to be helpful and fun and wild. I want to run around laughing and basically living in a freaking rainbow.
Then there are the other days. The days where I wake up already mad at everything. My husband tries to kiss me bye and I tell him to hurry up because I don’t have time! I am already behind and nobody wants to get ready! Why won’t anyone help me!?! These are the bad days. I don’t want to help anyone. Their requests are annoying and I feel like they are just trying to make me do everything so they don’t have to. Ugh. Why won’t everyone leave me alone. When I am asked what is wrong I just say I didn’t sleep enough. I am cranky. It will be fine. Why is everyone still talking to me?!
Then there are the stupid no good why do I even wake up days. These days are hardest of all because the one person I don’t want to put up with is the one person I cannot escape. Myself. I am useless. I can’t do anything so why do I even bother? What is that person whispering about? They hate me, I know it! They just don’t want to tell me. I bet that my friends are super annoyed that I keep texting them today. Why are they ignoring me?! When I look in the mirror I see nothing good. These are the days that I am too fat and ugly to even bother putting on nice clothes. These are the days where the little voice in my head tells me that I am not good enough. I need to eat better because I am going to get fat and my husband won’t love me (but he tells me I am perfect and beautiful everyday) my kids are always fighting why can’t I have a minute of peace! Why must they follow me around asking a million questions? (They love me and want to spend time with me. I work all day and they need mom time)
And finally I have (very rarely thank gosh!) the days where I just want to cry. There is no real reason. Everything is the worst these days and I will cry about every single thing. I will cry because I feel like crying but I am at work and I hate crying at work (or anywhere that is not my bed) and the cycle goes all day. I am the most useless these days because once I am home that is it. I am at my capacity to be around anyone (my poor monsters and husband feel this the most) and I need to be alone with a book if I can handle it and no sound if I can’t.
Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I go for weeks feeling good and happy. And sometimes I have to fight to remember that my beautiful daughters need me to be their mom at least until bedtime and my husband does not deserve my anger just because I don’t know what else to do. But you know what? I won’t stop fighting to feel good and I won’t hesitate to ask for help because the people around me deserve the best from me. So when that little voice tells me I am fat and ugly or unlovable I will reach out to my husband so he can remind me that I am perfect for him. When I think I am annoying my friends by being needy I will tell them that today sucks and I need them because they are always there for me. And on the crying days? Well I will have a good cry because lets face it, that is sometimes what I need. And for all of the times in between I will remember that God is bigger than this. He has me always and that in itself is comforting.
So there is your glimpse into my brain. It can be pretty chaotic in there. Let me know if you have any questions or just want to chit chat 🙂 I love talking to people ❤ honestly people are my favorite at least 90% of the time 😉
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